Choosing between two loves

It’s bad. I’ve worked both

scenarios out in my mind:

Robear moves in, Zander lives part time in the other room, my brother sleeps in the living room, we make it work. He never compliments me, we argue about stupid things, we drink a lot and occasionally do romantic outings, have mind blowing sex, the best cuddles ever, surface level conversations, vacations to new places, possibly new countries. We give this 15 years in the making romance another chance.

Stay with Andy and continue to do romantic things. Never argue, my brother has his own room, I have to go to his sister’s wedding, we play house, take care of it together, mutually respect each other, have good sex, foot rubs, delicious meals, lots of cheese and beer, decent music, deep conversations, not traveling much because his vacation time is tied up in his visitation times.

Both look at me and make my heart melt. Both would go out of their way to take care of me. Both are very special to me. I don’t deserve either of them.

I’m thankful you don’t have to choose your children because choosing a partner is hard enough.

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Happiness

It’s time to stop living in the past. Things are different now. I️ need to stop thinking about how other people are living their lives and focus on how I’m living mine.

As of right now I’m letting go. I’m getting rid of negative thoughts. I’m saying hello to MY life and living I️t to the fullest. Only I️ can make me happy and I’m going to start trying.

2018 Personal Goals

There are so many different topics I want to write about but I think this one might help me cover them all in one fail swoop.

Last year I created a list of goals. They included friends, music, happiness…etc. I thought I could make one for this year as well and see how well it holds up by the end of the year.

So here’s my list of goals

1 Get the house of my dreams. 

We recently went and saw a house, fell in love and put in a bid. Our offer was accepted but since it is a short sale we will have to wait months to hear back from the bank with their approval. This makes the list because it has always been a goal of mine to own my own home. To be able to paint, and make it a home rather than an apartment will be mind blowing to me. My whole life has been one rental to another. When/ if I get the house it will be my forever home, where Laurel will grow and call it her childhood home. It will be the only home she remembers.

2. Focus more on finding happiness through myself rather than through others

Last year I wrote how I was going to rebuild bridges and make friends in order to maintain happiness. I realized later on in the year that happiness can only really come from me, not others. It may appear while hanging out with other people, but it still comes from inside of me, not from them. Happiness is not a gift someone can give you. Happiness is something you can find in yourself when you see and experience the world. I need to focus more on finding happiness within myself rather than in events and in other people.

3. Pimp out my classroom for next school year. 

I have had ideas and pins for ideas of how I want to set up my classroom for next year. I plan to spend my summer making up cool parent brochures, making Nintendo themed posters for my walls. Last summer I wanted to plan for my classroom but due to my mental health I was unable. Now that my mental health is better I cannot wait to be 100 percent prepared for next school year.

4. Focus more on the happy moments with my daughter rather than being stressed out all the time.

It is easy  to look at your child and think of them as a responsibility. Between breakfasts, medicines, teeth brushing, breathing treatments, getting to school on time, picking them up, feeding them again, bathing them, reading to them and getting them to bed on time, children can really wear you out. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the routine and the stress of it all that I miss out on the loving moments like when she asks, “mommy, can we snuggle and watch cartoons.” These are the moments that are fleeting that I should be focusing on. She is at the best age right now, where she is gaining her independence but she still wants to please and show off for me. These are the moments that will last a lifetime and build who she becomes. They are important.

5. Get better at actually cooking meals for dinner

I have been so lazy this year. I get home from work and just make chip dip for dinner. I will cook for my daughter and then just make a bowl of Captain Crunch for myself. Groceries are expensive and meal planning and cooking is boring but I really feel like eating better would also help my mental state.

6. appreciate the things I have, rather than the things I once had, or don’t have

It is easy, especially in America, to want what we don’t have. We live in the past or we see what other people have and want it for ourselves. I have a wonderful daughter, a fulfilling job, a great boyfriend, and a great car. Everything in life is great and I need to show appreciation for them. Extra hugs for my daughter, more I love yous to my boyfriend, more smiles with my students, and more car washes for my car.

The last thing I wanted to talk about was resentment. I didn’t think resentment was a real thing. It wasn’t until last year that I realized that it’s a very real emotion. The last four years were spent away living someone else’s life because I was making them happy. I am now 28 and i’m not sure where that time went. I promised that I wouldn’t resent them, but it turns out that is something you cant promise. Resentment just kind of happens when you put yourself on the back burner for too long. Turns out four years, was just too damn long.

So number 7. is to not let anyone’s happiness (other than possibly Laurel’s) come before mine. I do not want to live to resent anyone else in this life time. It is easy to put other people first and to think to yourself that it doesn’t matter, but it does.

Stop thinking of yourself as the victim. 

For the longest time I was the victim. I grew accostomed to it that eventually, when I wasn’t a victim anymore I continued to play one because I didn’t know any other way to be. 

Now that I’m on my own and trying to find my happiness I’m recognizing this as a severe flaw. I’m realizing that this is the reason indrive people away. This is the reason everyone leave. This is the reason I have trust issues. I’m not the victim anymore. If anything, I’ve become the villain. 

I need to learn to trust, to not jump to conclusions, to love freely (including myself), and to let things go. I need to stop holding grudges. I need to learn to stop shutting down at the slightest of mishaps. I need to learn to stop cutting people out of my life. It’s not simpler, it’s just an excuse to feel bad for myself. 

I need to learn to be a better person/ friend/ mother/ and self. I’m working on it. I really am. It’s just going to take a lot of time. 

Bus Trip

A while ago I added “get lost on the public buses” to my immediate bucket list. 

I decided to take that trip today. An all day bus pass only costs $4. It’s a cheap way to just hop around town and see where the day takes you. 

I quickly realized that my subconscious wasn’t going to let me get lost. It had a plan of its own. 

On my journey I made many stops, all of which were photographs of the past with friends and loved ones. It turned out to be a trip down memory lane. As I smiled at each memory I began to realize that I’ve had a really good life. 

Yes, I have Harry Potter moments where I mention some of the hard cards I’ve been dealt in life, but I’ve had really great moments as well. Every place I stopped today had some great memory associated with it. It’s time for me to recall those memories more often than I recall the bad ones. The small happy memories outnumber the big sad memories by far. It’s time to look at it that way and appreciate the experiences I’ve had in this life. 

The last lesson on this bus trip was realizing my own independent strength and where I got that strength from. My mother taught me to ride the public buses. She didn’t let the fact that we were without a car stop her from doing things that needed to be done. I know she was dependent on my brother and I in a lot of ways, but what I didn’t realize until today was that she was also fiercely independent as well. I appreciate the lessons she taught me, and I appreciate my own strength. 

Rain

The rain reminds me of:

The boy with a sweet face who was taken from us too early. 
The people who drove by and splashed puddles up to my knees while I waited for the bus. 

When I ran from home on nights my mom called me whore and slut. 

The grey walls and the small monitor on visitation days. 

When I cried because you said we would only be friends due to the distance. 

Our hands entwined in the backseat of your parent’s car when your dad said mean things to you. 

Always saying goodbye to everyone I love. 

I see you in my bookshelves

I see you when I do laundry

I see you when I unlock my door

I hear you in the songs on my playlist

I feel you on the zippers in my jeans

I feel you in my history and on my laugh

I see you in my smile. I feel you in my adventures. 

Maybe we’re better as friends. 

Maybe we’re better as strangers. 

I dont know. All I know is that I miss you. 

We started this together

Though the momentum picked up speed and changed direction

It became mostly about the journey rather than us being together on the journey

I’ve now lost my skipping stone and I’m just in the middle of the lake

On our last ripple

Sinking 

Alone. 

2017 Personal Goals Mid Year Reflection

My friend, who inspired me to make the goal post for the year, recently posted her mid-year reflections. I thought that was a good idea too. So here I am again, using her post to inspire one of my own.

After reading through my “goals” though I realize that I can’t really address those without admitting that my life is completely different now: new address, a job, and a divorce. Lots of changes have happened since I posted my goals on January 9th.

Let’s take a look at my goals and whether or not they are still applicable.

  1. Take Care of Yourself

Well, since I’m the one that moved out and started the divorce to find my “happiness” I guess I’m taking care of myself. I try to maintain self care as well. I take the time to do things that will make me happy. I’m still struggling to find my happiness though, but I continue to try to take care of myself. A couple of times I’ve had some really low points this year, but recently I made an appointment to see a professional so I think that is part of taking care of me too. Taking care of my mental state is just as important as anything else.

2. Get Back into Music

I have definitely done this. I have had plans to go to four music events this year and I have gone to 2. Due to what I mentioned in the first goal, I backed out of two of them due to depression and anxiety. The two I attended were phenomenal though. I went to a festival with three of my friends in march called Okeechobee Festival where we saw Wiz Kalifa, Donna Missle, Mike Posner along with some others bands. 

 

This past weekend I also went and saw K. Flay, Milky Chance and Grouplove with my best friend as well. We just made a day trip out of it and had a blast.

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​I’ve been discovering a new band to fall in love with every month, pretty much. Joining Spotify at the beginning of the year was a good investment.

3. Rebuild Old Bridges

This is probably the one that is most upsetting. I have rebuilt some bridges but it seems that as I rebuild some, others get destroyed. It seems like maybe I can only maintain a couple at a time instead of trying to keep them all up and functional. I think for a while I was spreading myself thin trying to appease everyone and I got tired of it. This time in my life is about finding myself and my happiness; unfortunately that means that some bridges have been left by the wayside.

4. Keep Being Creative

I think I’ve maintained this goal as well. Every week I have taco Tuesday with my friend Sam and Bobby. We don’t make taco’s every week but since that was our first dish we made together that is what we continue to call our day each week. Every week we pick a new recipe and we chip in different ingredients to share the cost. We meet up, cook, and laugh. Taco Tuesday has become a treasured day I look forward to each week. I don’t know if you would consider cooking to be creative, but it definitely is in my book.

I have also been chalking more this year than I ever have in my entire life. I’m absolutely loving it. Coloring is my second artistic companion after chalk drawing.



My YouTube channel has taken a back seat still, but I’m hoping with this summer vacation that I will read more and film more.

5. Read Less

This was the weirdest one on the list. I have maintained this one the most. This past Sunday I finished my first book of the year. It is pretty crazy to think that by this time last year I had already read around 30 books. In the meantime I’ve watched way too much Netflix, I’ve enjoyed a lot of time with friends, and I’ve taken many naps. I think all of these things have helped with goal 1 (self care).

With all the changes this year, I’m kind of afraid to see where the rest of the year is going to lead me. I guess we will see in my End of Year Goal Reflections.