Life changes and lonliness

My big life update/ change is that I’m going through a divorce. The first thing people ask is did my husband cheat on me. The answer is NO. It is a hard situation to explain. I have to go back in time several years, actually about 10 years to be precise. When I was in high school I started realizing that I didn’t want what everyone else wanted. I didn’t want to get married and have children. I wanted to become a teacher and use the summer and Christmas breaks to travel and experience the world around me.
I went through shitty relationship after shitty relationship. Finally when I was 19 I started dating one of my good friends. Everyone told me that I was finally “dating smart.” He was a great guy. I was excited and decided that I would do anything to keep him and to make him happy. Deep down I thought that making him happy would lend itself to finding my happiness. After four years I proposed to him with a sword instead of a ring. Two years after that we decided to make a new best friend and had our daughter.
It was after giving birth and being a stay at home mom that I began to sink into a pretty deep depression. I hid it behind 78 books and told everyone that I was fine. Several friends told me that I didn’t seem like myself and that my happiness seemed to be gone.
When my husband deployed and I moved back home to stay with his parents, I began to feel myself again when I would hang out with friends. I also began to realize that his family wasn’t really mine. Several things they said to me, and some actions they took made it clear that I wasn’t anything more than a tool for their youngest son’s happiness.
Along with the ideas of never getting married or having children, the biggest goals in my life were to never wind up like my mother. I’ve strived my whole life to go in a completely opposite direction from her life choices: I got my degree, I got a career, I own a new car…but over the last year with all of the TDY trips and the deployment I couldn’t help but feel like an only parent. It was a terribly and cripplingly lonely feeling.
I began to realize that this isn’t the life that I want. I have a beautiful daughter and a loving, caring husband, but that isn’t my end game. I’m not really sure what my end game is other than experiencing everything life has to offer, but I wasn’t happy. As several people have told me, life is short and I need to find what does make ME happy. I need to stop worrying so much about how to make others happy. This is a new phenomenon for me, and I’m still working on figuring it out.
So my husband and I are filing for a divorce, and trying to remain amicable, even though I broke his heart with this decision. I will be getting 50/50 custody of my daughter and I’m okay with that. When he has had her lately on his weeks, I can feel myself taking deeper, fuller breaths. I think that I may start finding myself again this way. I just hope that she will forgive me and understand when she gets older.
The thing that is currently getting to me is that I’m realizing that I may be the only one that feels this way about life. It seems like everyone’s end goal is marriage and kids. I guess because I already had those things early on in life I realized that I need more, whereas some of my friends haven’t experience it yet, but I wish that someone else could understand how I’m feeling. It’s a new kind of loneliness in itself. 


Talking to myself again

Yesterday I spoke to the clerk at the Dollar Tree. She seemed to be down and I wanted to cheer her up. She mentioned that she saw me when I walked in and that I was mumbling to myself. I couldn’t particularly remember the instance but I believed her. Since then I have thought about it more and I have caught myself talking to myself more frequently.
Honestly a lot has been transpiring these last couple of weeks. I think between the stress and all of the changes I may be losing some of my marbles. The biggest reason for talking to myself, I think, is that I no longer have a sounding board. My husband, or ex-husband, I’m not sure what to call him right now, was my sounding board. He was an excellent listener. In the morning he would listen to my dreams with open ears and at night he would listen to me recount all of the boring details of my day with full attention. Like I said, he was a great listener.
Now that we are separated I no longer have that sounding board. I think the words are overflowing in my brain and they are leaking out of my mouth as I walk now. I mean, I guess it’s okay, I may just seem a bit crazy to the outside world.
I’m also hoping that maybe this overflow of words will lend itself to my writing. I’m hoping to blog more and possibly work on my two books more during this new period of my life. I guess we will see.

Carrying My Friends

Some days are harder than others. On these hard days I carry my friends with me so I remember that I’m loved. Today I’m wearing a charm bracelet my best friend made me. Her love will get me through today. 

Happiness is that you?

There have been a lot of changes happening in my life since the start of 2017. 

After moving home from Arkansas my eyes began to open and realize how depressed and lost I really was. When friends visited they told me that I seemed sad and that I wasn’t myself. When I came home they said the same thing. I started thinking about it and one day it all clicked in my mind, I’m not myself. I traded in my goals and aspirations in life to fulfil someone else’s. I thought that by making someone else happy that I could find my happiness, even if it went against every goal I ever set for myself. 

After living a life without a family I thought that if I made one I would find happiness. So I traded in my dreams of teaching and travel and did the two things in life I swore I would never do: get married and have a baby. 

At the age of 19 I started dating the nicest guy I had ever dated. He was sweet, caring, respectful, a great listener and my best friend. I wanted to hold on to him and knew he wanted to get married so I proposed to him. After he joined the Air Force and we moved away together we were lonley and I was still unable to teach due to my incense transfer taking forever. So we decided to make a new best friend. I was scared but knew it would make him happy and I thought it would make me finally have a family to call mine. 

After she was born I hit bottom. I became very depressed and lost a lot of sleep due to her inability to sleep through the night and my horrible thoughts. 

I lost myself in taking care of her. My whole life for the next two years was solely about taking care of my two family members. I didn’t get to travel and I didn’t get to teach. I lost myself in books as a way to escape and read through 78 in a years time. I thought terrible thoughts while leaving my seatbelt off in the car. 

When my husband deployed and I came back to Florida, I began to unravel. I was only taking care of my daughter and I felt a little lighter. I hated feeling like a single parent but I also liked the ease of only taking care of two people instead of three. As my mother in law began to watch her. Ore frequently I noticed that the only times I felt like I could breath was when I was away from my daughter. I felt myself returning. When I would return to my daughter I felt like a better mom. I was happier and more playful. She would giggle more and I would smile more. After I saw a friend who has 50/50 custody of their child I became envious. I wanted the down time to myself that they had. I wanted to be able to hang out with friends and sleep in and take a shower whenever I wanted. 

I began to hate myself for thinking these thoughts. I lost my appetite. I lost sleep and I drank more than I should have. I lost almost 20lbs in about two weeks. 

I got a job teaching at a title one school because my husband said he didn’t want to live with his parents when he got home from deployment. I jumped at the first school that was hiring. It’s far away from everything and it’s in a bad location. The students are behaviorally challenged and the staff is unorganized. It was a lot to tackle but they are growing on me slowly but surely. I am falling in love with teaching again.  I have missed it, even if it is a lot of work. 

I told my husband how I was feeling because he asked me what was wrong and why I looked like I lost so much weight over FaceTime. I’ve never been able to lie to him so I told him my thoughts. I cried and tried to explain it the best way I could. He was heartbroken to hear that I wasn’t happy. He thought that we were happy and that this was the life I wanted. In reality he never did anything wrong. He is the world’s greatest dad and a perfect husband. 

I guess I can’t really explain it. I’m still trying to work it out in my own head. 

Anyway, it’s now been about a month since I told him and we are working out a divorce agreement. It’s all been happening pretty rapidly. I got my own small apartment and we’ve already split our savings and opened up separate accounts. We’ve discussed custody and holidays. We aim to remain friends and keep the whole situation amicable. It’s all just very stressful. 

At the end of the day I feel selfish and like my daughter is going to hate me in the future. But at the same time I have found my singing voice. I have begun to feel like dancing again. I feel adventure calling my name and the smile on my face hasn’t been this big in years. I’m beginning to find my happiness. I just hope that you all can understand.