Star Night

Last night I went out to find the stars. This may sounds stupid to you, because stars come out every night, but near my house there is way too much light pollution so I can only ever see about 20. I was on the hunt for hundreds. 

Years ago, junior year of high school to be exact, my astronomy teacher took us on a late night field trip and he called it Star Night. It was out in the middle of no where and a whole bunch of people with telescopes were there set up when we arrived. I couldn’t believe how many stars we saw that night. Since then I’ve always wanted to go back. 

Last night I drive around and got lost until I found a dark enough area. I pulled over and hoofed it until I came to an open clearing. I sat down and stared at the sky. As it darkened the freckles of stars appeared as if being dusted of. More and more came out to greet me. I was overcome with awe. There weren’t as many stars as at Star Night but it was still beautiful. 

When I looked around me at the landscape I realized the sand-like dunes i sat on reminded me of a place I visited as a kid in New York. I used to call that place “my special place,” and even wrote a poem about it in middle school. I was overwhelmed with nastolgoa and a tear ran down my face. 

Sometimes I find happiness, last night was definitely one of those nights. 

Feminist Divorce

We all look to find ourselves in the books we read. 

Since starting this divorce adventure I’ve been searching for divorce books with feminist themes. I want to find a book out there that reaffirms that I’m not completely insane and selfish. 

There has to be other women out there who never wanted to get married and have give yet find themselves in that situation and wonder how they got there. 

Ive been thinking about it lately and I think the final push to get married and have kids wasn’t just because that’s what he wanted and because I wanted to make him happy, but because my mom died and I didn’t want to be alone. 

I chose to propose to my boyfriend because he was the nicest, sweetest man I had ever met and I knew he would love me unconditionally forever. I loved him unconditionally and therefore married and had a baby with him. Now, only four years later I feel bad because I ended it all. I felt trapped and I felt like I was losing myself to motherhood and wifley duties. 

I just feel very alone and I wish I knew someone else was out there like me. 

Yearbook comments

As I was unpacking my final boxes I decided to reorganize my mom’s few boxes into a container instead of keeping them in cardboard and inviting the roaches to live with her remains. 

Among her belongings I found her high school yearbook. It must have been from the year she graduated because all comments were about the future and life after high school. They were all generic and static.  They all lacked life and personality. They were cordial and boring. They made me extremely sad. It just reinforced the fact that my mom never really had friends or anyone she was very close with. 

I then went to my doctors appointment to get a physical my job was requiring me to obtain. While there both the doctor and nurse asked me about my family history, of which I had to respond that one died of liver problems and the other from COPD. 

The topic of my divorce and stress came up and the doctor asked me if I had any family in the area. This question kind of struck me because I had to answer no. He then asked me if I had any family to help me get through this time, of which I could only respond: my friends. 

I returned home from my appointment feeling pretty defeated from the day. I pulled out my graduation yearbook from high school and read through my comments until I cried. They were all personal and lovely. I can’t help but wonder if my mom had friends like I’ve had if she could have lived a happier life. No one will ever be able to understand how important my friends are to me, but they make me who I am. They are my support system and I would not be who I am without them. They get me through each and every day. 

Shut up mirror

It is getting harder and harder to look at myself in the mirror lately. I don’t think I see a good person anymore. I’m not really sure who I see in the mirror anymore, honestly.

Deep down, I know that what I’m doing is right, and that I deserve to find my happiness. But, at what cost?

What type of person breaks up a family, destroys the nicest man on the planet, and forces her daughter to only see each parent every other week?

Everyone that I’ve talked to has told me that I’m doing the right thing because I deserve to find my happiness, but I also see their hesitation and their thoughts they hold back. I know that I seem crazy and that my decision doesn’t make sense. There are many days when I question myself as well.

Here is what I have come up with so far, as to why I needed to get a divorce and drastically change my life:

I went from taking care of my mom from ages 13-17

to taking care of a boyfriend who cheated on me

to taking care of 2 male room mates

to moving in with my boyfriend and then moving in to his parents house

giving up my career

becoming a full time mom

I don’t know. It just seems like I never got to experience that phase in life where I was just free. You know? That time where I am supposed to explore and travel or just be fucking wild. I’m 27 now and I just feel like I want to live my life, for me, not for anyone else.

At the same time though, I’m losing the greatest man I’ve ever known. I’m giving up the chance at a family I’ve never had. What does this all say about me?

Am I a good person, or a bad one?

I’m still trying to figure it out. I mean, I know that we are all a little gray, but I’ve been feeling a lot darker lately than normal, which is weird because I’ve also felt a lot happier lately. I’ve been laughing more, dancing, and taking better care of myself than I have in years.

I guess, I just need more time to figure out my life.