2017 Personal Goals Mid Year Reflection

My friend, who inspired me to make the goal post for the year, recently posted her mid-year reflections. I thought that was a good idea too. So here I am again, using her post to inspire one of my own.

After reading through my “goals” though I realize that I can’t really address those without admitting that my life is completely different now: new address, a job, and a divorce. Lots of changes have happened since I posted my goals on January 9th.

Let’s take a look at my goals and whether or not they are still applicable.

  1. Take Care of Yourself

Well, since I’m the one that moved out and started the divorce to find my “happiness” I guess I’m taking care of myself. I try to maintain self care as well. I take the time to do things that will make me happy. I’m still struggling to find my happiness though, but I continue to try to take care of myself. A couple of times I’ve had some really low points this year, but recently I made an appointment to see a professional so I think that is part of taking care of me too. Taking care of my mental state is just as important as anything else.

2. Get Back into Music

I have definitely done this. I have had plans to go to four music events this year and I have gone to 2. Due to what I mentioned in the first goal, I backed out of two of them due to depression and anxiety. The two I attended were phenomenal though. I went to a festival with three of my friends in march called Okeechobee Festival where we saw Wiz Kalifa, Donna Missle, Mike Posner along with some others bands. 


This past weekend I also went and saw K. Flay, Milky Chance and Grouplove with my best friend as well. We just made a day trip out of it and had a blast.

​I’ve been discovering a new band to fall in love with every month, pretty much. Joining Spotify at the beginning of the year was a good investment.

3. Rebuild Old Bridges

This is probably the one that is most upsetting. I have rebuilt some bridges but it seems that as I rebuild some, others get destroyed. It seems like maybe I can only maintain a couple at a time instead of trying to keep them all up and functional. I think for a while I was spreading myself thin trying to appease everyone and I got tired of it. This time in my life is about finding myself and my happiness; unfortunately that means that some bridges have been left by the wayside.

4. Keep Being Creative

I think I’ve maintained this goal as well. Every week I have taco Tuesday with my friend Sam and Bobby. We don’t make taco’s every week but since that was our first dish we made together that is what we continue to call our day each week. Every week we pick a new recipe and we chip in different ingredients to share the cost. We meet up, cook, and laugh. Taco Tuesday has become a treasured day I look forward to each week. I don’t know if you would consider cooking to be creative, but it definitely is in my book.

I have also been chalking more this year than I ever have in my entire life. I’m absolutely loving it. Coloring is my second artistic companion after chalk drawing.

My YouTube channel has taken a back seat still, but I’m hoping with this summer vacation that I will read more and film more.

5. Read Less

This was the weirdest one on the list. I have maintained this one the most. This past Sunday I finished my first book of the year. It is pretty crazy to think that by this time last year I had already read around 30 books. In the meantime I’ve watched way too much Netflix, I’ve enjoyed a lot of time with friends, and I’ve taken many naps. I think all of these things have helped with goal 1 (self care).

With all the changes this year, I’m kind of afraid to see where the rest of the year is going to lead me. I guess we will see in my End of Year Goal Reflections.


A Battlefield of Switches in my Mind

My mind is a battlefield of broken switches. In my youth my mind was a well oiled, perfectly crafted operating system. I manufactured switches for everything under the sun. I kind of had to. I was able to shut off many things in order to get through daily life. 

I had a switch to turn off caring what my mother said and did. This one took me years to build. It was primarily turned off but when she died, the switch broke and became permentarly turned back on. It all came flooding back. I’m still suffering the trauma. 

I have a switch to turn off the disgusting, racist, bigoted things my friends say. Some might say this is just ignoring them, and it might be but they can see that I’ve turned it off as well. I’ve told them so many times that these things bother me that my brain created a switch after a while to save my mouth and mind the strain of dealing with their stupidity. 

Another switch was created to turn off caring when people walked out of my life. I held on so tightly to friends and family only to have them walk out of my life, one by one. After some time my mind created a switch that stoped holding onto needing these people. It cancelled out the idea that they were coming back. It helped me to learn to move on with my life. This switch is in repair. Lately I’ve been trying to rebuild friend bridges and this switch gets in the way. While rebuilding bridges I also find myself breaking others because i just don’t have the time or patience to deal with them anymore. I’m not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Personally I just don’t think I have time for negative people so I’ve just been giving them the boot. 

This switch also has caused me problems with my marriage. In the beginning when my ex-husband (boyfriend at the time) would leave I would cry. The switch wasn’t fully established yet. When my daughter was born I had to make sure the switch worked properly because otherwise every time he left for TDYs or for his deployment I would have been a mess. Well, I guess I crafted it so well that when he returned I couldn’t turn it back off. I just didn’t feel anything anymore. In my mind he was still gone. 

The last switch I want to mention is the one crafted to turn off my personality/wants/ needs in order to appease and survive in the company of others. I was pretty much adopted by three other families during my teen years. With each family I adapted and changed based on what I thought they wanted me to be. I was mannerly, neat, responsible, respectful and nervous that I would be put out if I acted any differently. 

When I started a relationship with “the first good man” I had ever dated I flipped that switch again and put my needs, my personality, on the back burner. I became who he wanted. I became what I thought he needed. That switch was stuck for so long that when he left I felt it slowly flip back to my wants and my needs. I wasn’t able to turn either switch back into the original positions when he came back and that’s why we are here today. 

My personality switch was off for so long that now I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what makes me happy. All I know is that I’m sad and I’m in search of my happiness. All my switches are out of wack and I’m lost. I don’t really know where to begin or what to do anymore. 

Stay for Her

Hey mom,

I know when I was a child I used to tease you for the way you would cry all the time. I thought it made you weak and temperamental. I never understood why, at a drop of a hat, you would just break down in tears and full-out sobs. 

Finally, at the age of 27, I understand. I understand that the birth of my brother and I altered your emotional state, just like having Laurel altered mine. I understand that being alone and not having a family of your own to support you while you raise your children is hard. I understand the desperate need to want a better life for your children yet understanding that you’re likely to fall short on that promise. I undestand now why you said you felt like we could fend for ourselves. What you really meant was we were better off without you. I feel that way about Laurel being better off without me all the time too. 

But then I remember, all I wanted was for you to be there for me. I wanted you to listen without wanting anything from me. I regret that you weren’t able to be at my wedding. You weren’t at my college graduation. You weren’t there through the emotional months of child bearing or the even more emotional months after labor. 

For Laurel I will be there. Even if I cry every day. Even if I think she would be better off without me. I know that she will want me to be there for her. I know that even if I’m not the best, even if I’m broken, she still needs her mother by her side. 

So Many Doors

On my drive to work this morning I began to think about how sectional my history is. I began to get metaphorical then, (this happens when I’m not quite awake yet and probably shouldn’t be driving) and started thinking how each section of my history can be perfectly sectioned off as if closed by a door. 

I then began to imagine each door and what I would see beyond each door frame. I imagined the first time I said good bye to a best friend. We sent letters back and forth but lost touch rather quickly, like most long distance friendships. I closed that door and moved on to making new friends in my new state. 

The next door I imagine would be my mother’s door. My childhood innocence and looking up to my mother as an inspiration are closed behind that door. 

The next is the door that holds the memories of my brother and I being best friends before he traded me in and ultimately left me behind. 

The next door would be for the first boy who broke my heart. 

The next one would be for when I lived at my friend Sam’s parent’s house. It was for a summer but it seems sectional to me. It was temporary and fleeting. 

Then similarly, a door would house my memories of living at Bobby’s parent’s house for a year and a half. 

So on and so forth. I’m not sure how many doors or exactly which ones I want to focus on in my future door painting art adventure but it is just the thought that’s been running through my mind this morning. 

Can you section off your life this way? Are those doors locked? Can you back and take them off the hinges to make your history flow seamlessly with your present? 

As I try to figure out who I am now, I intend to open these doors to see if I can figure it all out: How did I get here?

Life Partners. 

The existential thought crisis I have been battling lately is, is the whole purpose of life to find a partner, get married, have kids and watch them grow? Is that the whole purpose?

I think I’m beginning to realize the purpose of life is to find a partner to tackle whatever your/his/her idea of purpose is. 

If your idea of the future is to adventure and never settle then find a partner to support you in this adventure, someone who will be your adventure buddy. 

If your idea for the future is to have a family, settle down and reexpirenece life through a child’s eyes then find a partner who shares that dream with you. 

If your idea for the future is to wholly invest yourself in work then find a partner who feels the same and work together to achieve greatness in your prospective fields. 

I guess the point of this is, I don’t have to necessarily do this all on my own, I just have to find someone who’s life goals match closely to mine. Someone who is willing to be my life adventure buddy. 

I Dress Up Bananas and Make Music Videos…Jesus Christ. 

“Now that she lives alone what does she do in her down time?”

Why are women asked this question when they don’t live with a man? This question was asked about me today and when I brought up the bizar question in jest to my best friend she said her parents have asked her similar questions about living alone as well. 

So this brings me to two thoughts: 

1. When we were living with men were we just constantly entertaining them that we didn’t have any “downtime” to worry about? Or were we just picking up after them that we didn’t have any “downtime” to fill? 

2. What the fuck do you think we do with our down time? If this question popped in your head to ask then you must have formed some kind of assumption of what we must be doing while on our own. 

Personally if someone asks me again I’m going to say that I film porn videos in my apartment with random people I find on the street instead of what I actually do: laundry, dusting, cleaning, grocery shopping, reading, drawing, organizing paperwork, hanging out with friends, writing, filming YouTube videos, coloring…oh and the real showstopper: WATCHING GODDAMN TV. 

Like really?! What the fuck do you think I’m doing? How about dressing bananas up in suits and ties and making music videos? I think that’s going to be one of my answers to that question too. 

Holy damn.