A Battlefield of Switches in my Mind

My mind is a battlefield of broken switches. In my youth my mind was a well oiled, perfectly crafted operating system. I manufactured switches for everything under the sun. I kind of had to. I was able to shut off many things in order to get through daily life. 

I had a switch to turn off caring what my mother said and did. This one took me years to build. It was primarily turned off but when she died, the switch broke and became permentarly turned back on. It all came flooding back. I’m still suffering the trauma. 

I have a switch to turn off the disgusting, racist, bigoted things my friends say. Some might say this is just ignoring them, and it might be but they can see that I’ve turned it off as well. I’ve told them so many times that these things bother me that my brain created a switch after a while to save my mouth and mind the strain of dealing with their stupidity. 

Another switch was created to turn off caring when people walked out of my life. I held on so tightly to friends and family only to have them walk out of my life, one by one. After some time my mind created a switch that stoped holding onto needing these people. It cancelled out the idea that they were coming back. It helped me to learn to move on with my life. This switch is in repair. Lately I’ve been trying to rebuild friend bridges and this switch gets in the way. While rebuilding bridges I also find myself breaking others because i just don’t have the time or patience to deal with them anymore. I’m not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Personally I just don’t think I have time for negative people so I’ve just been giving them the boot. 

This switch also has caused me problems with my marriage. In the beginning when my ex-husband (boyfriend at the time) would leave I would cry. The switch wasn’t fully established yet. When my daughter was born I had to make sure the switch worked properly because otherwise every time he left for TDYs or for his deployment I would have been a mess. Well, I guess I crafted it so well that when he returned I couldn’t turn it back off. I just didn’t feel anything anymore. In my mind he was still gone. 

The last switch I want to mention is the one crafted to turn off my personality/wants/ needs in order to appease and survive in the company of others. I was pretty much adopted by three other families during my teen years. With each family I adapted and changed based on what I thought they wanted me to be. I was mannerly, neat, responsible, respectful and nervous that I would be put out if I acted any differently. 

When I started a relationship with “the first good man” I had ever dated I flipped that switch again and put my needs, my personality, on the back burner. I became who he wanted. I became what I thought he needed. That switch was stuck for so long that when he left I felt it slowly flip back to my wants and my needs. I wasn’t able to turn either switch back into the original positions when he came back and that’s why we are here today. 

My personality switch was off for so long that now I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what makes me happy. All I know is that I’m sad and I’m in search of my happiness. All my switches are out of wack and I’m lost. I don’t really know where to begin or what to do anymore. 

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