There have been a lot of changes happening in my life since the start of 2017.
After moving home from Arkansas my eyes began to open and realize how depressed and lost I really was. When friends visited they told me that I seemed sad and that I wasn’t myself. When I came home they said the same thing. I started thinking about it and one day it all clicked in my mind, I’m not myself. I traded in my goals and aspirations in life to fulfil someone else’s. I thought that by making someone else happy that I could find my happiness, even if it went against every goal I ever set for myself.
After living a life without a family I thought that if I made one I would find happiness. So I traded in my dreams of teaching and travel and did the two things in life I swore I would never do: get married and have a baby.
At the age of 19 I started dating the nicest guy I had ever dated. He was sweet, caring, respectful, a great listener and my best friend. I wanted to hold on to him and knew he wanted to get married so I proposed to him. After he joined the Air Force and we moved away together we were lonley and I was still unable to teach due to my incense transfer taking forever. So we decided to make a new best friend. I was scared but knew it would make him happy and I thought it would make me finally have a family to call mine.
After she was born I hit bottom. I became very depressed and lost a lot of sleep due to her inability to sleep through the night and my horrible thoughts.
I lost myself in taking care of her. My whole life for the next two years was solely about taking care of my two family members. I didn’t get to travel and I didn’t get to teach. I lost myself in books as a way to escape and read through 78 in a years time. I thought terrible thoughts while leaving my seatbelt off in the car.
When my husband deployed and I came back to Florida, I began to unravel. I was only taking care of my daughter and I felt a little lighter. I hated feeling like a single parent but I also liked the ease of only taking care of two people instead of three. As my mother in law began to watch her. Ore frequently I noticed that the only times I felt like I could breath was when I was away from my daughter. I felt myself returning. When I would return to my daughter I felt like a better mom. I was happier and more playful. She would giggle more and I would smile more. After I saw a friend who has 50/50 custody of their child I became envious. I wanted the down time to myself that they had. I wanted to be able to hang out with friends and sleep in and take a shower whenever I wanted.
I began to hate myself for thinking these thoughts. I lost my appetite. I lost sleep and I drank more than I should have. I lost almost 20lbs in about two weeks.
I got a job teaching at a title one school because my husband said he didn’t want to live with his parents when he got home from deployment. I jumped at the first school that was hiring. It’s far away from everything and it’s in a bad location. The students are behaviorally challenged and the staff is unorganized. It was a lot to tackle but they are growing on me slowly but surely. I am falling in love with teaching again. I have missed it, even if it is a lot of work.
I told my husband how I was feeling because he asked me what was wrong and why I looked like I lost so much weight over FaceTime. I’ve never been able to lie to him so I told him my thoughts. I cried and tried to explain it the best way I could. He was heartbroken to hear that I wasn’t happy. He thought that we were happy and that this was the life I wanted. In reality he never did anything wrong. He is the world’s greatest dad and a perfect husband.
I guess I can’t really explain it. I’m still trying to work it out in my own head.
Anyway, it’s now been about a month since I told him and we are working out a divorce agreement. It’s all been happening pretty rapidly. I got my own small apartment and we’ve already split our savings and opened up separate accounts. We’ve discussed custody and holidays. We aim to remain friends and keep the whole situation amicable. It’s all just very stressful.
At the end of the day I feel selfish and like my daughter is going to hate me in the future. But at the same time I have found my singing voice. I have begun to feel like dancing again. I feel adventure calling my name and the smile on my face hasn’t been this big in years. I’m beginning to find my happiness. I just hope that you all can understand.