So Many Doors

On my drive to work this morning I began to think about how sectional my history is. I began to get metaphorical then, (this happens when I’m not quite awake yet and probably shouldn’t be driving) and started thinking how each section of my history can be perfectly sectioned off as if closed by a door. 

I then began to imagine each door and what I would see beyond each door frame. I imagined the first time I said good bye to a best friend. We sent letters back and forth but lost touch rather quickly, like most long distance friendships. I closed that door and moved on to making new friends in my new state. 

The next door I imagine would be my mother’s door. My childhood innocence and looking up to my mother as an inspiration are closed behind that door. 

The next is the door that holds the memories of my brother and I being best friends before he traded me in and ultimately left me behind. 

The next door would be for the first boy who broke my heart. 

The next one would be for when I lived at my friend Sam’s parent’s house. It was for a summer but it seems sectional to me. It was temporary and fleeting. 

Then similarly, a door would house my memories of living at Bobby’s parent’s house for a year and a half. 

So on and so forth. I’m not sure how many doors or exactly which ones I want to focus on in my future door painting art adventure but it is just the thought that’s been running through my mind this morning. 

Can you section off your life this way? Are those doors locked? Can you back and take them off the hinges to make your history flow seamlessly with your present? 

As I try to figure out who I am now, I intend to open these doors to see if I can figure it all out: How did I get here?

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Life Partners. 

The existential thought crisis I have been battling lately is, is the whole purpose of life to find a partner, get married, have kids and watch them grow? Is that the whole purpose?

I think I’m beginning to realize the purpose of life is to find a partner to tackle whatever your/his/her idea of purpose is. 

If your idea of the future is to adventure and never settle then find a partner to support you in this adventure, someone who will be your adventure buddy. 

If your idea for the future is to have a family, settle down and reexpirenece life through a child’s eyes then find a partner who shares that dream with you. 

If your idea for the future is to wholly invest yourself in work then find a partner who feels the same and work together to achieve greatness in your prospective fields. 

I guess the point of this is, I don’t have to necessarily do this all on my own, I just have to find someone who’s life goals match closely to mine. Someone who is willing to be my life adventure buddy. 

I Dress Up Bananas and Make Music Videos…Jesus Christ. 


“Now that she lives alone what does she do in her down time?”

Why are women asked this question when they don’t live with a man? This question was asked about me today and when I brought up the bizar question in jest to my best friend she said her parents have asked her similar questions about living alone as well. 

So this brings me to two thoughts: 

1. When we were living with men were we just constantly entertaining them that we didn’t have any “downtime” to worry about? Or were we just picking up after them that we didn’t have any “downtime” to fill? 

2. What the fuck do you think we do with our down time? If this question popped in your head to ask then you must have formed some kind of assumption of what we must be doing while on our own. 

Personally if someone asks me again I’m going to say that I film porn videos in my apartment with random people I find on the street instead of what I actually do: laundry, dusting, cleaning, grocery shopping, reading, drawing, organizing paperwork, hanging out with friends, writing, filming YouTube videos, coloring…oh and the real showstopper: WATCHING GODDAMN TV. 

Like really?! What the fuck do you think I’m doing? How about dressing bananas up in suits and ties and making music videos? I think that’s going to be one of my answers to that question too. 

Holy damn. 

Star Night

Last night I went out to find the stars. This may sounds stupid to you, because stars come out every night, but near my house there is way too much light pollution so I can only ever see about 20. I was on the hunt for hundreds. 

Years ago, junior year of high school to be exact, my astronomy teacher took us on a late night field trip and he called it Star Night. It was out in the middle of no where and a whole bunch of people with telescopes were there set up when we arrived. I couldn’t believe how many stars we saw that night. Since then I’ve always wanted to go back. 

Last night I drive around and got lost until I found a dark enough area. I pulled over and hoofed it until I came to an open clearing. I sat down and stared at the sky. As it darkened the freckles of stars appeared as if being dusted of. More and more came out to greet me. I was overcome with awe. There weren’t as many stars as at Star Night but it was still beautiful. 

When I looked around me at the landscape I realized the sand-like dunes i sat on reminded me of a place I visited as a kid in New York. I used to call that place “my special place,” and even wrote a poem about it in middle school. I was overwhelmed with nastolgoa and a tear ran down my face. 

Sometimes I find happiness, last night was definitely one of those nights. 

Feminist Divorce

We all look to find ourselves in the books we read. 

Since starting this divorce adventure I’ve been searching for divorce books with feminist themes. I want to find a book out there that reaffirms that I’m not completely insane and selfish. 

There has to be other women out there who never wanted to get married and have give yet find themselves in that situation and wonder how they got there. 

Ive been thinking about it lately and I think the final push to get married and have kids wasn’t just because that’s what he wanted and because I wanted to make him happy, but because my mom died and I didn’t want to be alone. 

I chose to propose to my boyfriend because he was the nicest, sweetest man I had ever met and I knew he would love me unconditionally forever. I loved him unconditionally and therefore married and had a baby with him. Now, only four years later I feel bad because I ended it all. I felt trapped and I felt like I was losing myself to motherhood and wifley duties. 

I just feel very alone and I wish I knew someone else was out there like me. 

Yearbook comments

As I was unpacking my final boxes I decided to reorganize my mom’s few boxes into a container instead of keeping them in cardboard and inviting the roaches to live with her remains. 

Among her belongings I found her high school yearbook. It must have been from the year she graduated because all comments were about the future and life after high school. They were all generic and static.  They all lacked life and personality. They were cordial and boring. They made me extremely sad. It just reinforced the fact that my mom never really had friends or anyone she was very close with. 

I then went to my doctors appointment to get a physical my job was requiring me to obtain. While there both the doctor and nurse asked me about my family history, of which I had to respond that one died of liver problems and the other from COPD. 

The topic of my divorce and stress came up and the doctor asked me if I had any family in the area. This question kind of struck me because I had to answer no. He then asked me if I had any family to help me get through this time, of which I could only respond: my friends. 

I returned home from my appointment feeling pretty defeated from the day. I pulled out my graduation yearbook from high school and read through my comments until I cried. They were all personal and lovely. I can’t help but wonder if my mom had friends like I’ve had if she could have lived a happier life. No one will ever be able to understand how important my friends are to me, but they make me who I am. They are my support system and I would not be who I am without them. They get me through each and every day. 

Shut up mirror

It is getting harder and harder to look at myself in the mirror lately. I don’t think I see a good person anymore. I’m not really sure who I see in the mirror anymore, honestly.

Deep down, I know that what I’m doing is right, and that I deserve to find my happiness. But, at what cost?

What type of person breaks up a family, destroys the nicest man on the planet, and forces her daughter to only see each parent every other week?

Everyone that I’ve talked to has told me that I’m doing the right thing because I deserve to find my happiness, but I also see their hesitation and their thoughts they hold back. I know that I seem crazy and that my decision doesn’t make sense. There are many days when I question myself as well.

Here is what I have come up with so far, as to why I needed to get a divorce and drastically change my life:

I went from taking care of my mom from ages 13-17

to taking care of a boyfriend who cheated on me

to taking care of 2 male room mates

to moving in with my boyfriend and then moving in to his parents house

giving up my career

becoming a full time mom

I don’t know. It just seems like I never got to experience that phase in life where I was just free. You know? That time where I am supposed to explore and travel or just be fucking wild. I’m 27 now and I just feel like I want to live my life, for me, not for anyone else.

At the same time though, I’m losing the greatest man I’ve ever known. I’m giving up the chance at a family I’ve never had. What does this all say about me?

Am I a good person, or a bad one?

I’m still trying to figure it out. I mean, I know that we are all a little gray, but I’ve been feeling a lot darker lately than normal, which is weird because I’ve also felt a lot happier lately. I’ve been laughing more, dancing, and taking better care of myself than I have in years.

I guess, I just need more time to figure out my life.

 

Life changes and lonliness

My big life update/ change is that I’m going through a divorce. The first thing people ask is did my husband cheat on me. The answer is NO. It is a hard situation to explain. I have to go back in time several years, actually about 10 years to be precise. When I was in high school I started realizing that I didn’t want what everyone else wanted. I didn’t want to get married and have children. I wanted to become a teacher and use the summer and Christmas breaks to travel and experience the world around me.
I went through shitty relationship after shitty relationship. Finally when I was 19 I started dating one of my good friends. Everyone told me that I was finally “dating smart.” He was a great guy. I was excited and decided that I would do anything to keep him and to make him happy. Deep down I thought that making him happy would lend itself to finding my happiness. After four years I proposed to him with a sword instead of a ring. Two years after that we decided to make a new best friend and had our daughter.
It was after giving birth and being a stay at home mom that I began to sink into a pretty deep depression. I hid it behind 78 books and told everyone that I was fine. Several friends told me that I didn’t seem like myself and that my happiness seemed to be gone.
When my husband deployed and I moved back home to stay with his parents, I began to feel myself again when I would hang out with friends. I also began to realize that his family wasn’t really mine. Several things they said to me, and some actions they took made it clear that I wasn’t anything more than a tool for their youngest son’s happiness.
Along with the ideas of never getting married or having children, the biggest goals in my life were to never wind up like my mother. I’ve strived my whole life to go in a completely opposite direction from her life choices: I got my degree, I got a career, I own a new car…but over the last year with all of the TDY trips and the deployment I couldn’t help but feel like an only parent. It was a terribly and cripplingly lonely feeling.
I began to realize that this isn’t the life that I want. I have a beautiful daughter and a loving, caring husband, but that isn’t my end game. I’m not really sure what my end game is other than experiencing everything life has to offer, but I wasn’t happy. As several people have told me, life is short and I need to find what does make ME happy. I need to stop worrying so much about how to make others happy. This is a new phenomenon for me, and I’m still working on figuring it out.
So my husband and I are filing for a divorce, and trying to remain amicable, even though I broke his heart with this decision. I will be getting 50/50 custody of my daughter and I’m okay with that. When he has had her lately on his weeks, I can feel myself taking deeper, fuller breaths. I think that I may start finding myself again this way. I just hope that she will forgive me and understand when she gets older.
The thing that is currently getting to me is that I’m realizing that I may be the only one that feels this way about life. It seems like everyone’s end goal is marriage and kids. I guess because I already had those things early on in life I realized that I need more, whereas some of my friends haven’t experience it yet, but I wish that someone else could understand how I’m feeling. It’s a new kind of loneliness in itself. 
 

Talking to myself again

Yesterday I spoke to the clerk at the Dollar Tree. She seemed to be down and I wanted to cheer her up. She mentioned that she saw me when I walked in and that I was mumbling to myself. I couldn’t particularly remember the instance but I believed her. Since then I have thought about it more and I have caught myself talking to myself more frequently.
Honestly a lot has been transpiring these last couple of weeks. I think between the stress and all of the changes I may be losing some of my marbles. The biggest reason for talking to myself, I think, is that I no longer have a sounding board. My husband, or ex-husband, I’m not sure what to call him right now, was my sounding board. He was an excellent listener. In the morning he would listen to my dreams with open ears and at night he would listen to me recount all of the boring details of my day with full attention. Like I said, he was a great listener.
Now that we are separated I no longer have that sounding board. I think the words are overflowing in my brain and they are leaking out of my mouth as I walk now. I mean, I guess it’s okay, I may just seem a bit crazy to the outside world.
I’m also hoping that maybe this overflow of words will lend itself to my writing. I’m hoping to blog more and possibly work on my two books more during this new period of my life. I guess we will see.
 

Carrying My Friends

Some days are harder than others. On these hard days I carry my friends with me so I remember that I’m loved. Today I’m wearing a charm bracelet my best friend made me. Her love will get me through today.